Sadness

These few days i have been going to school everyday, either for NPCC self-PT or Sec One Orientation....and these few days i have also been seeing mudntort in school cos they go with tort's family and relative for math olympiad in our school's eh...swimming complex? haha.....anyway so for now, logistics im the only one working and i have to buy cloth, do signages and inform st john's to be present on the three days of orientation itself...haiz....and i ponned yesterday's self-PT to wait outside the judo room for terrance whom i didn't even know and just waited while getting scolded for him before he LEFT.....grrr....haha....and after that well i just ate lunch with mudntort at poolside and saw erik, bq, nick lim and sw there as well.....and then i went for the orientation meeting.....went quite well....though i kena niao by yuan chang....lolz....haiz....

my brother, i officially refer to him as a bastard. how so? he uses the comp for three whole days without my interference. only when he PLAYS maplestory till he is shuang then he would let me use....and then it would be when the comp has some problem and then i won't be able to use it. and then, yesterday morning i woke up and used the comp earlier than him. and then he started talking about how i fight with him for the comp and that the morning was the OPTIMAL time for him to train his spastic maple character which would be pathetic if not for me. wad sickening is that everytime he needs my help he will turn into this very soft person and then ask for a favour. last tiem he borrowed $25 from my class' CDS fund to BUY CLOTHES. and i had to forfeit my lunch like dunnoe how many times to repay my CDS fund by myself.....so now he owes me $25....i just hope he doesn't deny it.... and then so, yesterday morning after i used the comp my brother came and asked for it OR ELSE.... same old brother i have...always relying on those huge big muscles he has to ask people for stuff...and he said something about..erm....making sure i can't use the comp for three months cos i would land in the hospital? somehow i seriously doubt that..... i doubt that he could inflict such serious injuries on me two i think he'll be just as injured as i am if we ever got into a fight....so why all the threats? haha....and he has the cheek to befriend me after school as if NOTHING had happened.....funny.... such a selfish person.....hai....i wish i had a lil sis

last night i was thinking...what is it in this house that i have that i long for? not the comp, not my bro, not my dad not even my mum. then i thought about if i died....that 6 weeks thingum... and its ironic how i wouldn't let go of my friends instead of ANY of my family....perhaps they said it right that during adolescence friends are most important.....cos they certainly are now to me....lolz....my bro is already a bastard.....my dad is this asshole who flirts around outside with other women while neglecting his own family..... can't even earn enough to sustain us and he wants a mistress and always oppresses us and asks us to do menial stuff for him and help him with his job. if we do it, he takes it for granted. if we don't, he scolds. and he scolds even after two weks has passed or something. he scolds my mum for not disciplining us. and then in front of my brother he always acts out the nice guy.....then always asks him to ask his mum. then my mum is in a dilemma.....if she says yes, my dad would scold her. if she says no, my brother would be pissed....so screwed.... but my mum is a wodnerful person....though she erm..rather often misunderstands me.....and then thinks im pissed at her for some unknown reason....shes just too sensitive i think....and rather emotional....have i mentioned i hate it when females cry? INCLUDING my mum....and my brother doesn't give one hoot about her being dead or alive....last time she had a fever and asked my brother to go down and buy food for her dinner, my bro brought FRIENDS to the house and then closed their door and started playing inside..... while totally ignoring my mum's weak cries laa....asshole. only when icame home did she eat something cos i bought it for her.....

and since my family IS so screwed.....i rely on my FRIENDS. my best friends, mudntort and sw.... and a lot of acquaintances and rather good friends....and seniors as well.....i confide in a lot of them.....and while this post is being posted im already thinking of how to lock it up....haiz...too tired of changing blogs.... im really glad i found good friends this year. good AND best friends.....haha....not mentioning mummy and her bunch of friends who studied at KAP with me...thanks a lot and i owe u all a SWENSONS treat.....and i owe jY a sundae and sm a WHAT?!!?! oh ya... a mcflurry......

and theres this incident at shi wei's blog....haha..... justice uncle sia....and im really thrown off by this person or people... cos i dun understand why they judge me so.... its just....illogical and well....they dun even say out their identities so i dun even noe who to start by asking them to explain their rationale or whatever..... and im willing to bet that i dun even noe them well.....sigh

i shed tears enough to power a fountain

and then the model councillor award thing. i got GOLD. i was happy. for like two hours. and then i stopped. i was very sad that this award could attract so much unwanted attention. with my name on the EMB and all..... being criticised....getting people jealous and doubtful of my abilities.....and last of all my friendship..... sigh...that last sentence was damn niao k.....and i really hope u dun mean it......DAMN.....

lolz...and theres the GEP student thing....after this i dun even think the admin would consider saying my name to someone they dunnoe....so i still dun believe.....at ALL...haiz.... life is just such a bummer sometimes when you're on an all-time low..... and all that rejoicing for erm...five minutes....and then the reality sweeps your face and u noe how empty u are inside

Union
That stupid award doesn't justify ANYTHING.....or maybe it symbolises me being a lackey for the student's union......an idiotic enthusiastic lackey who works hard....so its to say good dog or something like that. maybe

Social
What a joke....made new friends... look at shi wei's blog and u'll noe im still at the bottom rung of the CHS social ladder.....all my friends and good friends are from outside CHS....or rather most of them..... my only true friend in CHS is also now very doubtful of me....

Academics
Even funnier.....how many people in CHS got 1.00 this year? im just one of that MAJORITY......whats there to be proud of? ya sure....im glad im not one of the people who didn't get it.... but problem is its just like being first in this school and last in others.... no point

EP3
NPCC now we're meng training....self-PT and all....but next year we're gonna be in exco and take over and stuf liddat.....haha....i AIM....but all not confirmed....whats the point of saying im stable? in NPCC im pally with my squadmates, my seniors...most of them anyway and my juniors....but TOs? i only respect one of them. and then there are some seniors who just plain exploit. haiz.....

filled to brim? its a mirage. all these are empty.....what i want for now is true friendship and motivation from each other to do even better next year..... not all these SYMBOLS.....like that lousy eagle.....haha.....

sigh....i hope i have said enough....and explained why im erm...so sad? lolz....

Best friends are siblings God forgot to give us. geez..God, i wanted a LIL sis....not two ELDER ones....haha